Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
