Say something about gay babies.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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