Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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