two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
