I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
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He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
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My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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