I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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