you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
