I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
