Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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