My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
