two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
