Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
