I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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