Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
