I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
