my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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