i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
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