I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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