who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Randomize
