thus making me awesome and them whores
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
