Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
