My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
