thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
