Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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