I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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