rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
