My underwear smells like fireworks.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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