I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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