I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
