I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
