Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this just has baby written all over it
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
We're too hungover to prance.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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