Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
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