I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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