Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
