just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
