Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
