you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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