I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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