I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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