I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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