I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
