Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
