That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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