I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
