Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
