Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
