I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
