Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
