My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
