How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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