She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
