remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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