im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
