3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
