I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
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That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
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And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize