That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
