it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
