What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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