i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
