Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
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hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
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My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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