Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
