Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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