Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
