i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
