he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Help. Why am I so naked?
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